WELLNESS EDIT | No. 37 |

Habits

You know what you want to change, so why do you keep finding yourself doing the same thing? These three simple questions can help you understand what keeps you in familiar patterns and find a different way forward.

We get home tired and reach for something sweet, pour a glass of wine after a long day, skip the walk because we can’t be bothered, order food because cooking feels like too much, or stay up later than we planned. Cravings play a part, but so do stress, comfort, convenience, family traditions, social situations and routines we have followed for years.

Changing the behavior without understanding what drives it can make change unnecessarily difficult. Before asking yourself to change, ask yourself why.

1. What are you getting from not changing?

We usually think about what we’ll gain if we change, but rarely what we might lose. Yet the habit probably gives you something, or you wouldn’t keep returning to it.

Food can provide comfort. A drink can mark the end of the day. Skipping exercise can give you an hour when nobody needs anything from you. Family traditions can make certain foods difficult to separate from the people and memories attached to them.

Sometimes the benefit is less obvious. You may say you want to stop ordering takeout, but perhaps takeout gives you relief at the end of a day filled with decisions. You may want to cut back on drinking, but the drink itself may be tied to how you relax, socialize or switch off.

So instead of asking, Why can’t I stop doing this? try asking: What does continuing to do it give me?

That answer may tell you more than another promise to try harder.

2. Why do you want this change?

Most of us can give a perfectly good reason for wanting to change something. We want to lose weight, drink less, exercise more or eat differently. What we do not always acknowledge is that another part of us may have equally convincing reasons for carrying on exactly as we are.

You may recognize both sides:

“I want to lose weight, but I’m tired of constantly thinking about what I eat.”

“I want to drink less, but I don’t want to change my social life.”

“I want to eat better, but food is one of the things I really enjoy.”

“I want to exercise, but I don’t want another commitment in my day.”

Both sides can be true. You can genuinely want better health and still want the comfort, pleasure, freedom or familiarity that comes with the behavior you are trying to change. That conflict can leave you waiting for motivation to become stronger, when you may simply have two things you value pulling you in different directions.

Instead of asking yourself why you haven’t changed, ask: What do I think I might lose if I change?

The answer may explain why change has felt so difficult. If a habit gives you comfort, connection, pleasure or relief, simply removing it leaves something behind. Understanding what you want to keep may be just as important as understanding what you want to change.

3. What are you willing to do differently?

Most good intentions disappear at remarkably predictable times. You planned to exercise, then 6 p.m. arrives and you are exhausted. You intended not to drink, then the day has been stressful and a glass of wine suddenly feels completely reasonable. The problem is that we often wait until that exact moment to make the decision.

Instead of asking, “Why do I keep doing this?” ask yourself: “What could I change before I get there?” If tiredness always derails your workout, perhaps the answer isn’t trying harder at 6 p.m. Maybe you need a different time, a shorter workout or a version you will still do when you are tired. If you reach for wine every evening to switch off, ask yourself what you are actually looking for at that point. Is it relief, reward, a boundary between work and home, or simply something familiar?

Think about the change you want to make and ask yourself: “What would make this easier for me?” Sometimes the answer sits earlier in the day. Eating before you become ravenous. Deciding what you will have before you are stressed. Making the workout easier to start. Changing what is within reach when you are tired.

Sometimes it helps to bring tomorrow into today’s decision. “If I have this wine tonight, is it worth how it might affect my sleep or how I feel tomorrow?” Or, “Would five minutes of movement put me in a better frame of mind because I’m at least moving towards my goal?” You are not judging the answer. You are giving yourself a chance to consider the choice before you make it.

Instead of asking, “What should I do?” ask: Which choice gets me closer to what I actually want?

The goal isn’t to make the perfect choice every time. It is to become more aware of the choices you are making and give yourself the opportunity to make a different one.

The Bottom Line

Be the Managing Director of Your Own Body

You are human. You are not lazy, broken or lacking willpower because you find some changes difficult. Your body has its own biology, cravings, habits, emotions and responses, and sometimes they compete with what you consciously want.

Think about what a managing director does. When something is working against the business, they do not simply accept it or blame themselves. They look at what is happening, work out what is driving it and make a change.

Do the same with yourself.

If you want the wine at the end of a stressful day, look at what is behind the craving. Are you hungry? Tired? Looking for relief? Have you simply taught your brain that wine means the working day is over? If exhaustion keeps you from exercising, don’t call yourself lazy. Look at the circumstances that keep getting you there. What can you change before that moment arrives?

If something keeps getting in the way of the health you want, don’t fight it blindly. Investigate it. Start small. If you meet resistance, don’t see it as failure. It may simply be telling you that you have asked too much of yourself, too soon. Make the change smaller and keep going.

Small and steady wins the race to better health.